Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
