I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
barbara walters just said penis...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
