Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Randomize