some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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