Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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