He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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