I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
