FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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