can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
