obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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