My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize