If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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