laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I did not marry a roomba.
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