Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
