I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
