Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
