He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
