I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
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You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My penis needs a shock collar
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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