Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize