My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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