Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
