Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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