she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
