Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
not ubering you a puppy
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
