I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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