One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
