How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
