I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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