What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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