News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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