We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
