You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
