did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
