Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
