The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
be right there i have to get my cape
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
