So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
