I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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