I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He did a backflip because drugs
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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