you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
