I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
