made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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