i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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