Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
