There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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