just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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