dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my shit smells like andre
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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