I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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