Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
