I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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