that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
