just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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