i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
