I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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