I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I enjoy the company of your penis
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