have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
