I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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