I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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