I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
