dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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