Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
