totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize