So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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