On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
