By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
